


Gravidity

by kitlee625, Sarahastro



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Childbirth, F/M, Philinda AU Challenge, Pre-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 06:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4050313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitlee625/pseuds/kitlee625, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarahastro/pseuds/Sarahastro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pre-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. May and Coulson deal with an unexpected pregnancy. Written for the "Two Blue Lines" Philinda AU challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gravidity

**Author's Note:**

> We started writing this story over a year ago, but in honor of the Philinda AU challenge, we figured it would be a good chance to dust it off and post it.
> 
> This is an AU that takes place pre-Agents of SHIELD. It could be read as a prequel to our multichapter story, Growing Up S.H.I.E.L.D., though you don’t have to read that story to understand this one. Also, it doesn’t quite match up because Melinda May’s mother doesn’t appear in Growing Up S.H.I.E.L.D. since we wrote it before she appeared on the show.

Without warning, the door to his office swings open and then slams quickly shut. Surprised by the interruption, Coulson looks up from his computer to see May standing in his office, looking furious.

“I failed my physical,” she announces.

“What?” he asks.

“I failed my physical,” she repeats. There is no mistaking the anger in her voice, but for the life of him, he cannot figure out why this would be directed at him. They have not spoken or seen each other in over a month, and he had not had any role in planning her last few ops.

“Are you all right? Did you get hurt on your last mission?”

She looks annoyed, like she thinks he is being deliberately obtuse. “No. I’m pregnant.”

All the blood rushes out of his face. He glances at the office door to make sure that it is securely closed. All he can think to say is, “Oh.” He swallows. “What are you going to do?”

She looks away from his inquisitive gaze. “I don’t know.”

“Oh.” He can tell that she is waiting for him to have a response, but he does not know what to say. “Is there something you want from me?” he asks.

The look she gives him is a mix of anger and disappointment. “I just thought you should know,” she says shortly, then turns and abruptly leaves.

*****

After leaving Coulson’s office, May goes back to her room in temporary housing. As she walks through the Triskellion, she cannot ignore the stares and whispers that follow her everywhere here. She assumes that people have discovered that her name has been pulled from active duty for “medical reasons.” Everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D. knows what it means when a woman is on medical leave for nine months, and the rumor mill must be going crazy trying to figure out who the father is. Up until this point she has managed to keep her personal life private, and she hates having everyone gossiping about her.

She does not have to report to her new assignment until the following day, and she spends the rest of her afternoon doing tai chi in her room to calm her nerves. Late in the afternoon she is surprised when Coulson comes by.

“Hi,” he says, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to another. “Can I come in?” She steps back to let him enter. “How are you?”

May sighs in frustration. “I have to get out of here,” she says. When she had arrived back at the Triskellion, she had thought that she would only be there for a week or two and had not bothered making other housing arrangements. Temporary housing is bearable for a few weeks, but she knows that being there for nine months is going to drive her crazy. “Can you help me find a place? I don’t care where it is. I just need someplace fast.”

He looks grateful for her request and nods. “You can stay with me,” he says, “while you’re looking for an apartment.”

Against her better judgement, she nods. They are not exactly dating, but right now she needs someone she can trust.

*****

At first they both mean for it to be a temporary arrangement. Coulson gives her his bed and sleeps on the couch. But after a few weeks, they both stop talking about her leaving. It is nice coming home to someone else at the end of the day. It reminds him of when they have been on assignments together. They go to work together in the morning and come home together in the evenings. At night he either makes dinner for them or they pick up takeout after work.

They are careful to avoid anything romantic, but she is part of his life in a way she had not been when they were actually sleeping together. He still does not know exactly how to characterize their relationship. It had never been actually dating, more of a physical extension of their friendship and partnership borne of too many light nights working very closely together. At first it had felt exciting, sneaking around between missions so no one would know that they were together, but the long unpredictable absences had made it too difficult to maintain any semblance of a relationship. When she had come into his office to tell him that she was pregnant, he had been half expecting her to say that she wanted their relationship to be strictly platonic.

But now they are living together, in many ways behaving like more of a couple than ever before. If people find it odd that they are living together, they are smart enough not to mention it where either Coulson or May can overhear.

One night when he is heading into the bathroom to change his clothes, she stops him and says, “You don’t have to sleep on the couch. You can sleep in here.”

“Really?”

“I don’t want to make you sleep on the couch for the next several months,” she says, rolling over so that her back is facing him.

“Thanks.”

*****

She knows that Coulson wants to ask her what she is going to do about the pregnancy, but fortunately he is smart enough not to ask her again. Truthfully she has no idea what she is going to do, though she thinks about it constantly. Single, with no permanent home, she is certainly in no position to raise a child, and she knows just how difficult it is to be the child of a spy. 

A few weeks after moving in with Coulson, she calls her mother. She makes sure to pick a day when Coulson has to work so she will have the apartment to herself. As she waits for the security protocols to recognize her number and put her through to her mother, she wonders how she is going to break the news.

When she hears Lian May’s crisp, “Hello?” though, all planning goes out of her mind, and May blurts out, “I’m pregnant.”

A long silence follows, and she imagines her mother’s face, surprised and stern. Finally Lian asks, “How far along?”

“A few weeks. I just found out when I had my physical.”

“And the father?”

“Another agent. Phil Coulson.” May braces herself for her mother’s disapproval, and is not disappointed.

“And he doesn’t know how to use birth control?” Lian asks. “Because I know I taught you to be careful.”

May resists pointing out that as far as she knows, her own birth had been the product of an accidental liaison with another agent. “It was an accident, Mom.”

“And what are you going to do now?” her mother asks, getting right to the point.

“I don’t know,” May admits. “I know how hard it would be to raise a child by myself….” she trails off, not sure how to finish that sentence without hurting her mother’s feelings.

“And the child’s father isn’t involved?”

“I don’t know. I’m staying with him now, but I haven’t talked to him about it.” She knows how strange this sounds, but she does not know how to explain their situation better. “I don’t want to be swayed by whatever Coulson wants to do. I want to make this decision myself.”

Her mother is quiet for a moment. Then she says, “Being a mother is a wonderful thing, but it is also very hard. Your life won’t just be about you anymore. You’ll have another person to think about, and care about, and worry about.”

Instinctively she rests her hand on her stomach. There is not much to give away that she is pregnant yet, just a slight bump to indicate that there is a baby growing inside her. “I know. I’m not sure if I could do it alone.”

“Whatever happens with him, you wouldn’t be alone, Melinda. I will always be here for you and your baby.”

May smiles a little. She knows that she was not the easiest child to raise, and her mother’s unpredictable absences had put a strain on their relationship when she was growing up. But despite all of that, her mother has always been there when she needed her. She rubs her stomach thoughtfully and wonders if she could do the same for her child.

*****

They are lying in bed one night, and Coulson notices May rubbing her stomach.

“Are you okay?” he asks. Even though she assures him that the pregnancy is proceeding normally, he cannot help but worry constantly about her and their unborn child.

“Fine. The baby’s just moving a lot.” She makes a face. 

“Really? Can I feel?” He reaches out his hand eagerly, but she pulls away.

“No,” she says sternly. 

His hand hovers a few inches over her stomach. “Why not?”

“I don’t want you to have to feel this. It’s hard enough as it is.” Her voice is steady, but he notices the sadness behind her words.

He feels terrible that this is so hard on her, but he does not know what to do or say to help. She acts like she never wants to talk about the baby, and usually he goes along with that, falling into an awkward silence whenever the topic comes up. But this time he does not back down. “Please,” he says. “I want to.”

She nods slightly. When he moves his hand to her stomach, she guides it to a spot just above her belly button. At first he does not feel anything, but then he can feel a little fluttering. A soft smile spreads across his face, and he is so distracted by the wonder of feeling their baby move that he does not notice the tears in her eyes.

*****

May has a lot of trouble sleeping while she is pregnant. Nighttime is when all of the aches and pains of the day hurt the most, and it is impossible for her to get comfortable. Tonight, however, it is not only her sore muscles and joints that are keeping her awake. The baby is moving more and more, and even though the sensation is not painful, it serves as a nagging reminder of its presence and the need for her to make a decision about it.

Beside her, Coulson is sound asleep, and finally she gets up so her tossing and turning does not wake him too. She goes out into the living room and sits on the couch, wondering what she should do. After that first conversation with her mother, she has thought a lot about what her life would be like with a child in it. She would not be able to raise a child on her own without leaving active duty, but her mother assures her that she would be able to care for the child while May is alway on missions. The alternative would be to put the child up for adoption, and even though her head says that that is the logical choice, her heart aches whenever she thinks of that.

She wishes that she knew what Coulson is thinking about all this. Usually he avoids talking about the pregnancy or even looking at her stomach. She assumes that this means that he does not want to have anything to do with their child, but after seeing his face when he felt the baby move for the first time tonight, she wonders if he wants more than that. If perhaps they could do this together.

*****

They argue for weeks about if they should find out if it is a boy or a girl. May says that she does not want to know, but Coulson is insistent that he has to know.

“What does it matter?” she asks. 

“I want to know,” he says. “How can you not be curious? Plus that way we can stop referring to the baby as ‘it.’”

He does not really expect to win this argument, but to his surprise, she eventually concedes. He is even more surprised when she asks if he wants to come to the ultrasound appointment.

When the doctor comes in he does not even ask who Coulson is. He probably assumes that he is her husband or boyfriend. He asks May a few questions about how she is feeling, and whether she is getting enough calcium. Coulson makes a mental note to buy milk.

When he shows them the baby on the ultrasound screen at first it just looks like a swirl of snowflakes on a black background. Patiently the doctor points out the features - the nose, the forehead, a hand - until gradually Coulson can recognize the baby’s face. It seems so bizarre that there is a tiny person floating around inside of May. He glances at her face to see her reaction, but she looks impassive as ever.

The doctor asks them if they would like a copy of the ultrasound images. May says no, but as they leave Coulson digs a copy out of the trash can and sticks it in his pocket.

*****

She had seen Coulson pull the ultrasound pictures out of the trash when he thought no one was looking, and after he falls asleep, she sneaks out of bed to take a look at them again. She pulls them out of his jacket pocket and traces her finger across the baby’s tiny face and hand. It had all been too much at the doctor’s appointment. First the strangeness of being there with Coulson, as if they are any other happy expectant couple, and then the shock of seeing the tiny daughter growing inside of her.

Seeing their daughter is also a reminder that she needs to stop procrastinating and have the uncomfortable conversation with Coulson about what they are going to do about the baby. For months she has been searching for some sign from him about what he is thinking. Does he want to raise the child with her, or have nothing to do with either of them? It would be so easy for him to simply walk away. Take a posting far away from the Triskellion and disappear without ever having to see her again. He has dedicated his life to S.H.I.E.L.D. and given up so much over the years for it. She wonders if he would give up being a father as well.

She is so lost in thought staring at the ultrasound picture that she does not realize Coulson is standing behind her until he asks, “Are you okay?”

When she turns to face him, there are tears in her eyes. She cannot hold the words back. “I can’t give our daughter up,” she says. “I want to keep her.”

He looks surprised. “Really?”

She steels herself for an argument. “I know I won’t be able to be there for her all the time. It’s going to be hard to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and a mother, but I have to do this. I have to take care of her and see her grow up. With or without you.” She looks him straight in the eye, challengingly.

“You don’t have to do this alone,” he says. He rests one hand on her swollen belly. “We can do this together. As a family.”

His words bring tears to her eyes for a second time. She wraps her arms around him and holds him close.

*****

She is sitting at her desk at S.H.I.E.L.D. when she feels the first labor pains. At this point the baby is a week late, and her first thought is, “Thank God.” She tells her supervisor that she is going to the hospital and calls Coulson to let him know. When they left for work this morning, he had warned her that he has a lot of meetings today, so she is not surprised when she has to leave a message for him. She tells him to meet her at the hospital as soon as he can.

She takes a cab to the hospital and checks herself in. The woman at the front desk gives her a pitying look when she sees that May is alone, and she is surprised by how much this bothers her.

“My boyfriend is on his way,” she lies.

The woman smiles at her, clearly relieved. “When he checks in, I’ll show him the way to Labor and Delivery,” she assures May. “And congratulations.”

However, hours pass, and there is still no sign of either Coulson or their baby. She lies in her hospital bed, staring at the ceiling and trying not to think about how long this is taking. The doctors and nurses assure her that her labor is progressing normally, if a little slowly, and she had been warned in lamaze class that first babies can take around 24 hours to be born. At the time she had been the only woman who did not panic at that news. She has endured more serious injuries for longer than that, waiting for an extraction after a mission gone wrong, but now that she is actually experiencing labor, she realizes how naive she had been. The pain of labor is nothing like being stabbed or shot, and there is the added anxiety of not knowing what to expect. Once the baby is born, she will have to take on this new role as her mother, and as much as she wants to be a mother, she has no idea whether she can do it. Coulson is the one who usually reassures her that everything is going to be fine, but as she goes through so many hours of labor without even a call from him, she starts to worry just how much she will be able to depend on him.

After twenty hours of labor the doctor finally announces that she is fully dilated. “It’s time to push,” he says.

He has her take several deep breaths and then push for ten seconds at a time. He counts down the time in a steady voice, and she tries to focus on the numbers instead of the incredible pain.

“She’s almost here. Just a few more pushes,” the doctor says.

She takes a deep breath, wishing desperately that Coulson were here to squeeze her hand. She grips the bedsheets instead and pushes as hard as she can.

When the baby is born, May is relieved to hear her daughter’s strong cry. The nurse cleans her up and wraps her up in a little white blanket with pastel footprints on it, and then hands her to May. She can hardly believe how beautiful and tiny she is. She strokes the baby’s soft cheek and tiny hand, and the baby wraps her fist around her finger.

They lie like that for some time, May cuddling her tiny baby and watching in amazement at everything that she about her -- the way her mouth opens and closes, the way she sighs a little bit as she wiggles in her mother’s arms. She is still worried about how she is going to balance being a mother and being a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, but holding her daughter in her arms, she feels a sense of peace.

*****

It is almost 1 AM by the time Coulson gets to the hospital. He walks down the quiet hallways and stops at the nursery. It takes a moment to spot her through the glass window, swaddled in a white blanket and wearing a tiny pink hat.

The nurse at the front desk directs him to May’s room. He knocks gently before entering. She is dozing, but she opens her eyes when she hears him. She raises her eyebrow at him. “You’re late.”

“Sorry,” he says. “I was held up at work. Are you okay?”

She shrugs. “Do you want to see the baby?”

“I saw her in the nursery. She’s beautiful.”

“You don’t have to just stare at her through the glass. The nurse will bring her in.”

She presses the call button and asks the voice that answers if they will bring in the baby. When the nurse brings her in, Coulson stares at her in awe. She is so small. He is afraid to hold her, afraid that he will accidentally hurt her. He very gingerly picks her up and cradles her against his chest. “She’s perfect,” he says. At the sound of his voice, the baby blinks open her big brown eyes and stares at him. “She looks like you.”

He is sort of leaning against the edge of the bed, but May slides over a little, and he climbs into bed next to her and leans against her. It is very peaceful lying together like this, and after a while May falls asleep with her head on his shoulder. Coulson wonders what he will do if the baby needs to be changed or fed, since he is not sure how to do either. He has read some of the baby books that May bought, but he has never held a newborn before now.

He strokes her soft cheek. “Are you alright, baby? You’re just going to keep sleeping, huh? That’s good. You and your mom can have a little rest.”

Eventually he dozes off too with the baby on his chest. They are awoken when the nurse comes in at 5 AM to check on them. May takes the baby from him and cradles her against her chest, stroking her wispy dark hair.

“I should get back to work,” he says guiltily.

She nods as if she is not surprised. “Okay.”

He can tell that she is disappointed. “I’ll be back tonight,” he promises.

She gives him a small smile. “We’ll be waiting for you.”


End file.
